July 16, 2013
Thanks to yesterday’s blogging and exercise, I went to bed feeling hopeful, and woke up 9 hours later feeling refreshed. Still, I had to leave work today at lunch because I was crying so much. GRRRRRRR. This is REALLY starting to get in the way!!!!!! I am afraid they will fire me. I am afraid that this will get worse and I will be no good to anyone. I am also just SO DAMN ANGRY these STUPID TEARS won’t stop coming out of my EYES!!!!!! I took a long bear-nap. I forced myself to crutch outside and read a book in the sunshine for 20 min. I ate some chocolate. All of these things helped a little.
Best of all, I went to small group. Lots of times, on Monday nights, going out an talking about my feelings is the LAST thing I feel like doing. About of a third of the time, I can’t make it out. But tonight, thanks to a friend calling and sharing a ride, I did. I’ve known most of my life, this is a good way to stay connected to community. For me, I go to a faith group/book club, where we pick a book to do with our faith, read a chapter a week, and talk about how it affects our lives. I really like it because A. we pick a topic that encourages people to share their spiritual and emotional journey, so its a bit deeper/ more authentic than other interest groups like sports teams (though those are good to for similar and other reasons) and B. Its the same 10ish people so we open up and get to know each other deeper over the years. I have friends who get similar benefits from 12-step meetings, that may not have the same people, but is a similar deep-emotions-affirming space. Some people find this level of consistant community through music or sports or church groups as well. I realize I miss being part of a team because of the accountability and community it provides. Its also nice to have a space where one can be vulnerable, and ask for help, without being overly needy.
All to say, staying plugged into community that one can be open with seems like a key depression survival tactic. Even when it’s hard to feel connected to the rest of humanity, showing up, and getting genuine hugs can be a good reminder.
Today I am thankful for the hugs. I’ll try again tomorrow.
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