August 20, 2013
Some days go pretty well, then for whatever reason, I just feel all these mixed emotions. I often take bathes to relax, but tonight during a bath I just felt so much shame and fear and sadness, and exhaustion. I had been looking forward to crawling in bed to cuddle, watch a movie and eat ice cream with my girlfriend, when instead I felt so tired I felt I needed to go to sleep right away. Instead of sleeping however I started sobbing. At first just little tears. Then massive tears of deep grief. Sadness for the Universe being a big and horrible place at times, not really for me, even with these silly mood swings, I feel I am generally a privilege person. But part of me sobs for people in general. Lots of injustice and abuse. Lots of hopelessness.
On good days, I feel so happy, like humanity is good, and everything is going to work out. On bad days, I feel the weight of the world, weeping inside of me.
I guess these are times, where holding on to faith, and believing that God is bigger than all our fears and worries can help. It is an intellectual weight off one’s chest to know that humanity is both broken and beautiful, and yet ultimate outcome doesn’t rest only in some cosmic injustice of humanity’s greed. It is comforting to know that perhaps it rests in Bigger Hands.
But as much as I can intellectualize this, somedays, I still feel like crying uncontrollably.
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