September 4, 2013
After a lovely long weekend, Tuesday had the horrible luck of being BOTH a Monday AND a Tuesday on the very same day. Its hard enough being one day at a time, and this week, Tuesday struggled to fulfill both roles.
All weekend I have drawn pictures in my of our romantic + productive + relaxing weekend: A bear and a dear working on a project together, a bear and a dear, dancing in the kitchen, a bear and a dear snuggling, or taking a long walk in the sun down by the piers…It was a lovely weekend. I feel more in love than ever. She brought up the topic of when we are getting engaged, and I got anxious about it. But hell, it seems I get anxious about pretty much everything these days, even good things, like eating and sleep. Still, last month we celebrated our year of living together mark, and it has been a pretty dreamy last few months. Despite the diagnosis, and her international travel, and my new job, and the new apartment hunt, her launching a company….its seems that we both thrive paddling in a swiftly moving current. About 6 months ago, we got past the “honeymoon” stage to wake up to all our glaring personality quirks, and have been working through them. So all to say, I am excited about where our relationship is, and where it is going. And the lovely weekend.
So imagine, dear imaginary reader, that you actually saw 3 posts of a loving couple dancing around in bliss before seeing this post. This grumpy bear seems to use drawing and journaling a way to work through pent up emotions (rather than pulverizing oneself at the gym). So I find myself only really drawing when either low, or however I happen to feel that moment on the train. (PS. have started drawing on the morning commute, and love it).
But then Tuesday afternoon hit. I already have business meeting drinks from 7-8, and she sets us up with social plans, which we didn’t realize conflicts with my standing engagement, so we move back the social event to 8. Then she is held late at work, and then she wants to swing by this networking event all before our 8pm social plans. And then wants me to “swing by” our apartment and take out her dogs. Which isn’t really swinging by, because its out of my way, but less than out of her way…so I say yes to be a team player. I am irked because my last job was right around the corner from our apartment, so it was no problem to let them out if she had evening plans. Now I take a 30-50 min train to work, with a 10 min walk on both sides and work for a company that has a culture of longer hours; so on average I get home 2 hours later than usual. On the rare occasion I do make evening plans its easier to go right there, than go home first. So by the time I get on the train tuesday, I am livid. Part of me is slightly irked, part of it is trying to not be irked, just a sensible adult collaborating schedules to help someone they love out. But then part of me feels like I want to tear down the train in rage, and then weep my eyes out because life is simply too overwhelming. I do not understand how “sensible adult” can feel such irrational extremes of emotion. like I can feel something so deeply, and watch it happen “look you silly bear, don’t you know that you are sensible creature and obviously reality is not actually melting around you?” But then the silly bear can say “well DUH, of course i know that” but then still struggle to hold back the tears so that the old bird napping on the opposite train seat doesn’t see the silly bear cry.
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